Holidays 2014

Christmas came back!! We had such an awesome holiday this year. Ava was so into it and Nathan fed off of her excitement, so we felt a lot of joy and anticipation of family coming and, of course, the jolly old St. Nick. He was so good to us! We did a lot: decorated Gingerbread Houses at Nathan's school and Ava's, Sang Carols at both schools, made Great Grandma Koch's Christmas cookies with Grandma and Grandpa in Pleasanton, went to the LG holiday parade, went to see Santa, picked out our own tree and decorated it together....And we made Great Grandma Green's Pignoli cookies. 

Oh. my. deliciousness. 

There are more photos and some darling video's of Nathan acting as Santa Claus on my personal instagram account, which you can view here:

http://instagram.com/greenbeanmama/

My mom and Dad completed their cross-country trip just in time to arrive in LG and spend Christmas Eve and morning with us. We made traditional Cioppino and alio olio, and antipasto, but the very best part....Auntie Mina and Uncle Sash were here for a week!! yes!

Below are some images of our fun decorating the tree and house.

Kiddies in their xmas jammies...

so proud of themselves!

making cookies at G & G's. #sugarhigh

Xmas morning!!!! matching Auntie glasses and a ribbon wand from Auntie!

Nathan got his own Nutcracker and Ava her own dog that really walks, as requested. Good Job, Santa.

Nathan loved his trains and Cranky to lift them up

G & G got Nathan a balance bike!

And he loved some movie time with Uncle Sash when the whole morning got too overwhelming.

We barely found time to have a family breakfast. Totally forgot to squeeze fresh juice from our oranges this year! Having way too much fun! But we ate some panetonne and had a nice dinner in Pleasanton that evening. 

We missed seeing Auntie Coley, Uncle Dave and Sarah and Grandpa Great, but they were in our hearts and on face time on our phones ;)

'Twas a Merry Christmas, indeed!

xo

6 years of Ava. #inlove

"I wish I had two moms. And the best one would be you, but the other one would take me to the toy store and I would get to have whatever I want" -Ava 5.5yrs

my heart. my heart is so full. It's the biggest gift from the universe. to love. there is nothing that makes me feel like I could burst like a balloon than the love I have for the my children and it's always growing. I'm overpaid. Now we're celebrating another year of Ava. She is 6. She lights me up. She's almost finished with her first year in public school. Kindergarten. And she thrived. She blew me out of the water with how she adapted and learned and developed friendships and with how bright she is. Now that I'm fully on board with who she is-I get it now-it's so much easier to be her mom.  Her teacher calls her an "old soul". She's connected and she knows what she needs. She knows who she likes, she knows when she needs to be alone. She knows and now I trust her. Letting go of how I thought she should act and who I thought she should be has made our relationship fuse and bond. I feel so close to her.  I'm head over heals in love with her and she's in love with me too and I feel it. It feels so good.  Her innocence is still so intact, which melts me. She wants ice powers to be real. She asked me if she could study how to get ice powers in college. She spends her time playing school, acting out Elsa from Frozen and asking Nathan to be Anna. Nathan happily fills her request. We finally suggested that he might also play a good Kristoff too ;). She's an awesome big sister, who of course has her breaking points when she'll tell me "it's too hard to be a big sister. I don't want a little brother anymore". I can't really blame her. Nathan watches her like a hawk and follows her around, imitating almost everything she does. He goes to her for comfort sometimes and she is always open arms. I think in those moments she really likes being a big sister.
She still has her little giraffe blankie, which is now called "mimi" b/c that's what Nathan calls his. When I walk into her room at night to stare at her while she sleeps and admire her before I go to bed I notice that she still moves her mouth like she sucking a paci to soothe herself.
She's interested in Daddy's "stories" and asks him to tell her stories about mountain lions. She's fascinated by dinosaurs and watches documentaries on them. She said to me "Mommy, when I'm 20, if you're still alive, which would be lucky, can we go dig for bones together?" Geesh, I hope I'm still around when she's 20. I guess it would be "lucky". She's a deep little thinker and she's emotional. It's a lot to handle at times, but I adore that she can speak how she feels, that she's in touch with it at 6 years old. That's a gift that can help us to live a life awake. We say her metta prayers every night and it's all I hope for her:
May she be peaceful
May she be happy
May she be filled with love and kindness
May she love herself just as she is
May she accept others just as they are
May she forgive herself when she makes mistakes
May she forgive others when they make mistakes.

Thank you God for the love that you put in our hearts everyday to share with each other.

Thank you God for Ava. (then she never fails to say "and thank you God for mama").

I feel like the luckiest mom. This is the image to capture her crssoing over from 5 to 6.
Happy Birthday Ava Pava. You have our hearts.

 a quick series of film images I took of her about a month ago....

And this is the Frozen Party she requested.

wearing the Elsa gloves Nathany gave her while watching Elsa sing Let it go | The snow we made

Olaf Cake Pops (the hit of the party)

My helpers | Frozen Scavenger hunt

Ava, Emily, Mariko, Greta and their magical ribbon wands!

singing let it go!

Nathan's treasure (a life size Olaf balloon)

opening gifts from friends.

We love her spirit so much. This party was so fun to put together for her and she was my biggest helper. She noticed right away that it's a little easier to go to someone else's party because you don't have to do any of the work! Right she is! It was a big deal for her to commit to saying she wanted to have a party with friends at all. She chose 3, which was the perfect amount. After all the structured activities were over she went inside of herself and I could see her feeling a little stressed. She slipped and fell and couldn't hold in her emotion anymore. She burst into tears and cried her little eyes out. She said she wanted her bday to be over and all her friends to go home now. Of course that's right when family arrived to take her out to dinner. After a little mommy time and a lot of holding and soothing she was able to go the the restaurant and enjoy her family. Our little introvert. 

Last thing about being 5 that I loved. 

She still says "aminals" instead of Animals. I'm not going to try and fix that yet. 

Nathany Turns Two!

how did this face...

Turn into this face?

This photograph sums up Nathan. That is a classic Nathan smile. 

It's the best smile in the world, if you ask me. The way those eyes look right into yours with that spark in them and those little teeth showing. I could just EAT him. And I practically do some days.

We celebrated Nathan this year with a simple Pancakes & Pajamas Party. 

Mama made her gluten free pancakes, a fresh fruit bowl, and fresh squeezed oj from our very own tree. Plus some chocolate muffins for a special treat!

We invited 2 of our specialist friends. Laura and Hsiaolei to come with their families and celebrate with us. It was mellow and super easy. We are so lucky to have such wonderful friends. 

And we felt the love from the east  coast too. Auntie Coley sent him an astronaut suit and Nana and Poppi sent him his first glove and baseball, which he wouldn't let go of for DAYS.

He even slept with them, as you can see below.

His Hair grew so much this year that he had to have his first haircut, which he was really good for. By now he's had his haircut 3 more times. It grows SO fast! And I broke down and cut his mullet off the back. Now he looks so much like a little boy.

He's such a lucky little guy to have the sister he does. She really loves him. He goes to her for comfort and looks to her to figure everything out. If she's doing it, he's going to try and do it too. 

Ava has a super protective big sister nature about her. It shows in this little video of her keeping him feeling safe on his first amusment ride at Happy Hollow Park and Zoo.

The Holidays 2013

My favorite Christmas song is by Sara Bareilles. It's called Love Is Christmas:

I don't care if the house is packed, or the strings of light are broken
I don't care if the gifts are wrapped, or there's nothing here to open
Love is not a toy and no paper will conceal it
Love is simply joy that I'm home
I don't care if the carpet's stained, we've got food upon our table
I don't care if it's going to rain, our little room is warm and stable
Love is who we are and no season can contain it
Love would never fall for that.

Let love lead us. Love is Christmas.

Why so scared that you'll mess it up when perfection keeps you haunted
All we need is your best, my love, that's all anyone ever wanted.
Love is how we do. Let no judgment overrule it.
Love, I look to you, and I sing.

Let love lead us. Love is Christmas.

LOVE. It's so important to remember. Everyday, not just at Christmas. But christmas makes me teary sometimes because I get overwhelmed that so many other people remember that love is more important too. Life slows down for the holiday and we pause our busy schedules. I wish for myself that I continue to learn to put less pressure on myself to do, and make more time for just being. Just being is when I feel connected to everything I want to feel connected to, my kids, my husband, myself and my god . I want to continue to let go, which means learning more about and admitting my fears (which I just want to push away and ignore) and practicing not grasping and trying to control them- practicing letting them GO because I know they are painful and they limit my ability to love, not just others, but more importantly myself. And they are just stories I make up in my mind.

My resolution this year is to practice more real compassion. It starts with me, which is what makes it so hard. The Dali Lama said "compassion is the recognition that someone is just like you. You step out of your self-preoccupation and realize that the other person has the same desire to be happy and safe that you have." I've been judgmental in many ways upon many people  in my life, and I see now how my judgments, even if only in my mind and completely kept to myself, are harmful. Somehow when I'm judging I'm withholding love, not just from another person, but from myself too. I deprive both of us only to gain a false sense of feeling safe by putting up a guard. That's what judgment is to me now, armor. I feel my best and fullest around people who are accepting. I want to be one of those people and I think I am to a lot of people. I know I can't like everyone, but I don't want to resent them anymore. I want them to just be and me to just be and there be no more hard feelings in the dark and quiet corners of my mind. That's where the thoughts are made, not the truth, just the thoughts. I couldn't possibly know what is right for someone else, but I trick myself into thinking I do and then I get resentful that they aren't the way I wish they were. So, I'm going to try to do it differently because, as I've learned and heard many times from the magic of recovery, nothing changes if nothing changes.   I will try and begin with gratitude, which gets me focused on what I have, not what I lack, and creates positive thoughts.

The dead of winter in California. The leaves have fallen off the trees, but the sun adds color and color is bright and beautiful, even when it's subtle.

This is the view I have while I wash the dishes after dinner.

This is who I get to snuggle and smell and bathe every night.
His favorite christmas presents were a flashlight, the big bad mouse, trains & dinosaurs. 

This is my mini-me. My emotional, theatrical, feeler girl. 

I took her to see the Nutcracker this year. She acted it out for a half hour outside the theater after the show. 20 minutes into the production she asked me when they were going to start talking. She told Grandma is was kind of boring, but one of her favorite presents from Santa was her very own Nutcracker!

here she is dancing her little heart out.

We had some great, unexpected trips to the beach this December, a trip to the latest Disney film, FROZEN, which Ava fell in love with. Most evenings are spent watching YouTube clips of Queen Elsa singing "Let it Go" and Olaf singing "Summer" (for Nathan). 

We saw Santa (Nathan from a distance), we drove through the Fantasy of Lights, we baked cookies with Grandma, we spent time with Portland cousins and Grandpa Great over Thanksgiving, we spent Christmas eve with wonderful friends who we consider family, and we spent lots of time on FaceTime with Nana, Poppi, Aunties and Uncles & cousin Sarah on the east Coast. 

Happy Halloween 2013

Another really fun Halloween in Los Gatos with the kids. 

Nathan was so excited and didn't miss a house to trick-or-treat at. He caught on quick! He would hold the piece of candy he was given until he reached the next house and then give that piece in exchange for a new one. Give one, get one, that's how he thinks Halloween works. Maybe he's on to something. His little voice said "trick-or-treat" and "tanks" after the doors closed behind us, so no one heard, but we did. Ava was the best big sis in town. If Nathan was lagging a little she just informed the residents that her little brother was coming, so they'd hold the door open until he arrived and he'd get his candy too. 

I just soaked in watching the joy that trick-or-treating brings. I felt lucky. Lucky to share this experience with Brad, to both know a love so intense for the same two little people it makes you feel like your heart might just burst. 

I complied some photos and video clips of our evening trick-or-treating fun! Click on the link to view it: http://youtu.be/knPxy2zWLgA

Happy Halloween. 

love, Princess Belle and Duckie.

xo

Our Kindergartener

 Why is it so hard to send your 1st born to kinder? I asked myself that as I tearfully left the classroom on her first day. I still don't completely know. I know my eyes welled up with tears of joy and excitement and some of angst and anticipation. What is this going to be like for her? Is she going to feel comfortable? Imagining Ava in fear, or uncertainty, though it's a natural part of life that makes growth and maturity happen, makes my heart ache. But as you can see by her letter to her new teacher, Mrs. Fink, Ava was confident about the transition, more so than her mommy. And I assure you I did my very best to not show any of my angst. I held my after the drop off tears for Brad. She didn't see. 

I thank the goodness of love in this world that we got Mrs. Fink for a teacher. 

During the "Kinder visitation" back in late spring Ava pointed Mrs. Fink out to me and told me she liked her best. And then we got a letter in the mail with an assignment to her class. Yay!

Mrs. Fink is known for her nurturing spirit. She's present and loving and so attentive. Just perfect for Ava, or any kid for that matter.

We are feeling so grateful that we get to send Ava to this thriving environment for a school experience and thanking our lucky stars that moving to Sebastopol didn't work out. phew! Something bigger knew better :)

Ava comes home from school and teaches me the poem's she's learned or how to make the #3. 

She's sharing so much with me and asking when she can go back. She gets dressed before she comes to wake me, eagerly comes to brush her teeth & hair (what?!), and walks over to school excited to be there. She is really happy, which makes my heart soar! 

She came home the 1st day and said " I made some friends!"

So far, so good! We couldn't be happier.

1st day big smiles

 calming a few butterflies before we walked in

mom and dad stayed for the 1st hour and did a writing assignment with her.

the important this about me is "I am Special"

 reading with a new friend, Zoe

I was the only mom on the rug with the kids, but couldn't bare to say no to Ava when she asked me to sit with her.

exploring the classroom with daddy. listening for the waves at Ballston. ;)

And after a big 1st day Ava decided she wanted to get her ears pierced!!

Feeling confident, I guess. We'd been talking about it all summer.

brave happy girl.

After day 2 of kinder we went to the library and ran into Ava's bud from Mariposa, Kelton. 

She was SO happy to see a familiar face after all the new-ness. I was so happy to see him too. I love their little friendship. What a treat!

Kelton asked Ava to read with him in one of the nooks. melt my heart. They were smiling and laughing and in there together for a good 20 minutes. 

There may be some young love at play. 

:)