Ava is 4 today.

Our little munchkin is 4 today.

In some ways I feel like I'm not sure how time can go so quickly. In other ways I feel like time has moved at it's regular pace and I've been present for it with her. And I'm really grateful for that.

I love her beyond what words could express. I truly mean that. I don't mean that as an expression.

I'm just stuck as I sit here and look at this first photo of her. I look in her eyes and I have a well of emotion come over me. I barely know how to say what I feel inside. 

This is the first year I truly feel like babyhood is far far behind us. She's a little girl now. She is such a good girl, inherently good. She tries to be bad and she's shown her attempts at master manipulation, tantrums, bossiness, hysteria, but at the heart of her I see how good she is and how much she wants to please me and be a good daughter and sister, along with the other roles she plays in her life. 

I gathered a bunch of photos for her pre-school. They are having a "birthday circle time" for her tomorrow and asked for photos from birth through her 3rd year so she could share them. I haven't looked back in so long. Not only have the pictures improved (haha!), but our lives have drastically improved because we have this girl (and now our boy). 

A couple nights ago Brad came down from putting Ava to sleep, and I too from putting Nathan to sleep. It was 8:30pm and we collapsed together on the couch leaving the chore of cleaning up the kitchen for another hour. Brad said something along the lines of never knowing how tiring it would be to have kids. We were imagining ourselves on some tropical island when they are grown, we were remembering what our life was like before we had them. Then we both looked at each other and realized how much better our life is because they are in it. We imagined what we would have been doing had we not had children. Working. That's what we realized. We'd be working, starting then until we retire. And though we still are- working-it's different because we have these little beings who live in our home and inspire us and smile at us. When Brad comes home from work Ava asks him if she can have a "cow ride"(she rides on his back as he crawls around the floor). Now, that may not sound fun for him, but it forces him to let go of the day he left behind at work and hear utter joy in Ava's laughter as she wobbles on top of his back and falls off.  Ava and Nathan have helped (and continue to) mold us into the people we want to be. What a gift. I work harder to love myself and have a positive attitude so that she will have a model of that. I do it because I want her to be able to do it. 

And she is learning so much. Brad says these beautiful meditation prayers with her at night and she taught them to me. So each night as she falls asleep she says:

may i be peaceful

may i be happy

may i be filled with love and kindness

And may I love myself, just as I am

And may I love others, just as they are

When I put her to bed we add in what she's grateful for from that day and then we thank God for it.

The first time I heard her small voice say these profound prayers and saw that she had them memorized I knew we were doing something right. 

She is a spirited one. More and more sensitive as the days pass. I never know when her sensitivity is peaking until I hear her screaming that the blender is too loud, or she breaks down because she used the wrong color in her picture. It's difficult to manage her in those moments. Again, I've really had to learn to to handle it without shaming her. I just think it's outrageous sometimes. But I am learning too. I'm learning that this is just a part of who she is. A part I can relate to and possibly wish wasn't a part of me too. You know how we can do that--have aversions to things we see in others that we have as qualities in ourselves? See, it's all a learning experience :)

So age three has been a series of battles of will and bundles of laughter, sometimes within seconds of each other!

We're curious for what year 4 has in store!!

For today, we celebrate her!

Miss Ava Martina

just born --April 26,2008

6 months

one year

2 years

3 years

4 years

 little sister, big sister

 I jotted down some of my favorite little things she's said over the year:

"mommy, I love you for a thousand years, but that's all. Only for a thousand"

"it's your bad lucky day!"

"I only have 2 hands, mommy. That's how God made me. I wish I had 4!"

"why when you grow up do you have to be a person? I want to be a reindeer named Rudoplh"

Happy 4th Birthday, Ava!

Easter 2012

(Ava wrote most of that by herself!--so proud of her!)

Well, I really had to let go of my perfectionist side to create this post. I made it out of love for my family who are so far away and longing to be here to watch our babies grow and experience the wonder of life and these fun holidays. I'm also so grateful to have Brad's loving family live so close so we can share such fun with them. It feels funny to post pictures of Easter with a three month gap in the blog, during which time the new little love of our lives was born! Oh well, I promise you will see him on here soon. There are almost too many photos and videos to organize! Someone help! I have no time ! :) :)

What a picture perfect Easter it was. That's the beauty of celebrating in California. You can actually hide the eggs outside! Ava was so so excited about the Easter bunny this year! She wanted to go to bed all day on Saturday so that he would come; and she spent most of the day asking endless questions about him, one of which was very legitimate: "how does the Easter bunny see in the dark?" As I looked at her wondering what I would that would make any sense she answered for herself: "maybe he borrows Rudolph." I just said "yeah, maybe!" phew. I dodged that one this year :)

Grandpa Great drove up from San Diego! Still thriving-- and driving!-- at 90 :!) We're so so grateful he continues to make that journey so that we can see him more often. And it was his first time meeting Nathan! His first great grandson! Nathan LOVED him, as you can see from the photos!

Not only had the Easter bunny visited our home and filled our baskets, but he also went to grandma and grandpa's house and hid ester eggs all over the backyard for Ava! She was thrilled! 

 Lilly encouraged Ava along :)

Nathan smiling at Grandpa Great :)

Then Grandma, (she's wonderful and so thoughtful) had a big bowl full of white hard boiled eggs for egg dying, which Ava did so precisely and diligently, as she would :)

 Lilly watched

 Nathan spent time talking to Grandpa

 Then Grandpa did some serious cheering up at dinner. Thank you, Grandpa! 

They have such a cute relationship. 

Ava was a mess from too much sugar and refusing to poop. I write this so I won't forget and brag someday about how easy things were and how we never had any issues. Oh, how memory conveniently fails us :)

But you could never tell she was miserable from this photo, thanks to Grandpa. I love this photo.

 Grandma also helped soothe Ava and read her Peter Rabbit. (If you could only see Ava's face behind the book). It takes  a lot of patience as her parents to get her through these moments. A LOT. She's sweating, fussing, holding in the urge as it comes over her. It's really maddening. why won't she just go!? The next day was practically a poop-a-thon, just in case you're wondering what the outcome was. hehe. :)

(here's a little peek at the self induced misery)

Meanwhile, Mr. Nathan continues to be the easy going guy he is and just played on the play blanket discovering his hands. There they are! :) 

he is the sweetest little guy. just the sweetest! 

look at that smile. 

doesn't it just melt you?

I can't even look at these photos without smiling.

It melts me.

I am so in love. 

Brad might need to worry a little. 

(just kidding. kind of.)

thank you, mom and dad koch, for such a wonderful Easter! 

We love you!