I had a friend recently tell me, as I was complaining about the facades some people can put up, "just be glad you're real, Cass. Don't you want to be? wouldn't you rather?" YES. I would rather, my friend. Thank you for liking me for who I really am. So, in honor of realness I will tell you how 2 really is. If I had to condense it I would call it wonderfully HARD! I studied child development intensely for 2 years in college and then I studied emotional development for children and adults for 3 years in grad school. I would really like to say that it's benefitted me as a parent (and the truth is I'm sure it has), but I feel as if, when it comes to Ava, I have no idea what I am doing sometimes. It's almost a disadvantage to know as much as I do because I worry SO much about damaging her.
Anyway, she's an intense child. She's sensitive to her core and that will be a gift as much as a challenge in her life.
Since she has turned 2 the fire has lit up inside her. She is willful to say the least. A Taurus!
She's demanding and loses her temper easily. When she does she SCREAMS! You would think a vein is going to pop!
Her little face gets red and she's just lost in her experience. Of course, a moment like that always ends in tears. It's such raw emotion. I've really been struggling her with her this past month. I got some relief only a few days ago when I realized I can detach from it. For both of us, this is about control. I am trying to control her, and when her response it out of control, I feel like it's a reflection of me (which is just not true) and she is trying/learning how to control her environment. And when she fails or gets stuck she is so disappointed and just plain mad. She wants my help, but she doesn't.
I've learned that shaming her for acting in a way that I don't like just makes it worse. She's acting that way because she already feels bad. I don't need to make her feel worse, but I can be really firm in a loving way. I can say, "I love you and I don't like your yelling. That is not okay in our house." And that's what I say. Time outs have begun!
To give you an example of her intensity: If we approach anyone who looks like mama would talk to, she screams "NO!" "I no wan say hi." If I begin to talk she'll begin to scream "mommy!, mommy!, mommy!" or just melt into madness and tears. I was SO distressed about this until I realized I can teach her that this is not nice or okay. She can choose not to say hi, but I make it clear that Mommy wants to say hi and will. She can melt away if she needs to.
If you know me as a mom, this is like the opposite of how I spent the 1st two years of her life. I did what I could to stop the crying, so you can imagine the adjustment.
What I know, not just intellectually anymore, but in my heart, is that she NEEDS limits and it really does make her feel safer if I set them. Like it or not, our society is set up in a certain way with rules and limits and I'm her teacher. I have to teach her them, or she'll learn and it will hurt more because there won't be loving arms to fall into as she dissolves into tears. So, we're on a bit of a new path. I think the difference in doing this with my own child versus the others that I've babysat in the past is that I see so clearly that I am raising a little person who I love like nothing I've experienced. That love added in the mix makes it a confusing process, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing O.K. now. It is tiring though. Some days I feel have been so negative, so much more saying no than yes, or in firmness than fun. Another gift for both of us is learning how to let go of the negative moment as fast as possible. It's useless to teach her about holding grudges. I want her to learn that she can re-start her day at any moment instead.
I'm glad her language skills are so well developed because she is learning how to say 'please' and 'thank you' and 'no thank you' and 'I'm upset'.
The biggest challenge of all is that I have to act at the standard that I am expecting from/teaching to her. And when I don't, because I don't always, I then get to teach her about apologizing and forgiveness. I have to let go of my will and say "Im sorry". Because of her innocence it's easier to become humble enough to do it quickly. I ask her if she forgives me too. It's amazing how an acknowledgment of what was done specifically to hurt feelings and an "I love you" softens a heart.
So, now that I have recorded the terrible's of the 2's, at least what I've experienced thus far, I can get on to some of the wonderfulness. (I can't not record the tough stuff. It wouldn't be fair to Ava when she has children. I realize our brains 'forget' for good reason, but for a while I was feeling like something was wrong with her and that's just not the case.)
The wonderfulness is watching her make connections and form complete sentences. One of my favorite parts of a day is one of the many times she'll call out "wook Mama!!" She'll show me something she thinks is great, or something she's discovered how to master herself.
She can be very sweet and loving. Like a polar opposite of what I was describing before. She has a maternal side already she shows with her babies and Kekoa.
and a love and fearlessness around animals
She's begun to laugh with "gusto", as my mom used to say I did.
A total goof ball at times! The things I find her doing, or wearing!!
And she's still such an observer. A curious little one.
As much as I've said I am her teacher, she is mine too. I've learned so much about myself through her and who I want to be.
