Little Miss 3!

Wow!

She's 3. 

3 years ago I had no idea. I had no idea the gifts that would continually unfold in my life by knowing this perfect being. I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but this girl is my teacher. I have learned more about myself and who I want to be in knowing her, than I ever did when I was actively searching for the answers to those questions.

I'm so blessed to be given the gift of being her mother.

Look at this little giggle girl. 

Those smiles came from me asking: "who's birthday is it today?!"

(click on any photo to enlarge)

To make this day special...we found balloons with her name on them! 

and spent time in the party store picking out just the right things. PINK streamers, pink blowers, pink frosting, pink sprinkles and a gi-normous princess balloon!

and then we went to town decorating the house!! 

we baked a chocolate cake together...

and I wish I could tell you that we frosted it together too, but sadly, that's all me. 

I think I'll stick to photography. 

It was disastrous. The more I tried to spread the frosting, the more the cake came up into it. It was one of those days where it felt like nothing was going the way I wanted it to, but as I was scowling at the cake a sudden urge to laugh out loud came over me, thankfully. 

Ava loved the cake and it tasted great, more than great, so no harm done. 

I wonder what she'll say to me as an adult when she sees these photos. 

I don't want to know! :)

from the top it doesn't look so bad :)

 You can beat that smile. 

(for all of you who called her and sang to her... this is the smile she had on while she was listening)

This is the truest, most genuine smile she wears!

then, on to...presents in the laundry basket. The tradition lives on. Someone please buy me a nicer basket :)! Mom, how about the one you have (wink, wink).

 Our birthday party guests were Grandma, Grandpa and Lily. So fun to have you there!! Thanks for all your Easter and birthday love, Grandma and Grandpa! We love you SO much!

 Grandma's beautifully wrapped gifts for Ava. 

It was hard for me to watch her tear them to shreds.

On the actual day, I took Ava out to shoot her big girl-ness. I couldn't get her to wear the cute skirt we had picked up just for her birthday (that's the last time I do that), but instead something even sweeter happened. She saw what I was wearing for the day and went into her room to find something as similar as possible. She came back with a hand knit sweater from Nana and asked me, "is this sweater like yours  mama? I want to wear jeans like you and a sweater like you". I was more than flattered. 

(she likes to sit in this tree a lot.)

By the time we took these photos she was "too hot" as she usually is. I swear, this girl wants to be naked ALL the time. Sound familiar mom?! I only let her take off her sweater :)

we saw a Angelina outside who was happy to wish Ava Happy Birthday and show her the caterpillar and rolly poly bugs she caught . Angelina is very sweet. She lives across the green belt from us and I hear her mom yelling at her too too much :( 

Just proof that kids are resilient, and look for the light.

So, It's official. She's 3. 

Thank you to everyone who called, messaged, sent cards and presents. She appreciated it all and felt extremely loved, as did I. 

(opening her card from Great Grandma Green)

What I can tell you about who she is today? I'll just tell you a few of my favorite things:

She's rarely not in some form of what she calls a "pincess dess" (princess dress).

She's usually wrapped up in her imagination, telling us "sto-wies" (stories) about a combination of real and imagined things. 

(telling Daddy a story)

She has an imaginary friend named "Ka-Te" who says mean things, like "I no like you" or "I'm not sharing". When I begin to express my disappointment Ava reassures me, "not me, mama, Ka-Te said that."

She still wants all the attention on her ALL the time

She loves hiding. Hide and seek is a favorite. She tells us where to hide and to count to 4.

She still loves the villains. Her latest The Queen Of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland.

She blows us kisses and waves as we leave the room after putting her to bed. Then we hear her little voice say "I yuve you too. Goodnight". And it melts our hearts. every time.

She has over 8 babies. Oh, Lord! And she takes care of them all, feeding them, holding, walking, talking to them. That's when I get to hear the things I'm doing right repeated back to me AND how I sound when I'm disciplining. She practices saying it all right back to those babies. :)

She rides her scooter like no body's business and can now ride her tricycle all by herself (videos to follow in the next blog post).

She can't pronounce the letter "s" yet in certain words, so replaces it with "f".

I think that's Brad and my favorite thing. We never want that to go away, but then again, we don't want her to be made fun of either. hmmm?
Examples: farkly (sparkly)
                     feetest (sweetest)

need I say more? How cute is that alone?!

Here are some things that she's said that I've made note of because I never want to forget:

on a windy day she asked "is it winding mommy? Look at my hair! It's winding away!"

When one of her friends was sick with chicken pox she asked:
Ava: "does Ayla have chicken pox?"
me: no, there are gone
Ava: "where did she put them?
me: they just disappear
Ava: "did they go to the sky?"
me: maybe
Ava: (looking around) "I can't see them anywhere!"


Passing a store front with a manikin in it modeling a bathing suit, Ava says :"look mommy! It's Barbie!"


On our way to Pilates class, driving down 280 in lots of traffic, Ava says :"Lots of people are going to pilates today!"


One last moment in the car:
Ava was staring out the window. I asked her what she was thinking about. She said:
A: "oh, I'm just thinking about Daddy"
me: Oh yeah? what about him?
A: "about how he loves me. he loves me a lot." 
me: yes. he does.

I could not be a more proud, more in love, mama. 

Happy 3 years of Ava to me, to you and to Ava!

a VERY personal post. honesty inspired by Noah (died 3.23.11)

You know that expression that goes something like "your mind is like a bad neighborhood, don't venture into it alone"? In the last two weeks I was lost in my mind, and it was dark in there. I couldn't see what I continually long for...the light. And no matter how much I begged God to help me out I still felt stuck and alone, sad and angry. I wanted to blame it on all the things that are hard in my life, like my sweet, loving 2 year old who turns as crazy as I feel in an instant, or my husband who didn't take out the trash and recycling that morning, . and oh, whoa is me! Do I have to do everything around here?!

I was in a bad place, even with 4 years in program. Maybe that made it even harder, knowing that I know how it feels to NOT be in this place. Why was I back and hurting like I used to before I ever had any awareness? 

One night I got so fed up with myself I just laid in bed next to a husband who didn't know how to connect to me other than to lovingly lay by me and read his books and pat my head once in a while. I dusted off my journal and held nothing back. I wrote it all. Every feeling and thought and every once in a while I would write something that surprised me, like "I just don't believe God will love me if I'm not perfect". Wow. I saw that and thought about all the beautiful women in my life and how beautifully imperfect they are. I thought about how I love that about them, how I feel safe around them because they aren't perfect, and then sad, that I would put all that pressure on myself to be perfect (as if there even is such a thing), and be so un-accepting of who I am --who God made me. It's like I'm rejecting God. Telling It that It made a mistake with me. Of course I called Jill and let it out. She reminded me of how much I have grown and that "it's progress not perfection". That was the topic of the meeting that night and you know what that is, working in my life, sending me a life line? God.

Little did I yet know what my weekend had in store. Another gift from God to help me heal and see the light again. Brad had planned this weekend for us long before my internal 2 weeks of struggle began. It was merely planned around he wanting me to see a place that means a lot to him. Of course I would want to see that. I didn't realize there was something so big in it for me. 

A day-long retreat with Howard Cohen. I wanted to embrace him at the end of the day. My first dharma talk, my first teacher. There were 80 people there and I felt like he knew the nuances of my thoughts and was speaking directly to me. How could he touch on all the things I had been struggling with? Then it dawned on me....I'm not alone. People were roaring in laughter at points when he spoke and in tears at others because they could relate too. They knew those feelings of judgement, control, fear, desire, disconnection with self, and feeling less than some and better than others. All summed up: pain. I was trying to push my pain away, but he taught me how to feel it, really feel it, and then detach from it. My mind works well. Just the way it is supposed to. I learned that I have so many parts of my mind and they are natural to have, so I can stop judging myself for judging. I can start to accept all the parts of me and focus more on the ones that make me feel good. That's why they practice meditation there. It's an attempt to feel the moment we are in. The present moment. It's quiet, peaceful, not dramatic, safe, serene and that, in my opinion is where God lives and I can feel It most authentically.

So I meditated, I know, ME! If you knew me and my energy level as a kid, you may laugh. 

It was really hard. It wasn't quiet in my mind in the beginning of the day. All my thoughts swarming. With Howard Cohen's guidance and example of how to be gentle with myself I could hear my thoughts and use them as a learning opportunity to get to know myself. So this is what I've been thinking? So this is how fast my thoughts come and go? So this is how often I think this same thought in a different form?! The thoughts are so fast, and then I was left with a perceived feeling that I thought was real. Well, turns out feelings aren't facts and I don't tell myself the truth very often. I don't even really know myself (or other people for that matter) the way God knows me because I'm so focused on the parts of me that I've been trying to change. 

Deep breath. this is a lot. to write and to have felt, and probably to read.

By the last meditation I felt love. I felt serenity and so connected to God. I missed Ava, but not guilty that I left her, and I felt an unbelievable sense of gratitude to be experiencing all of this sitting next to the man I share my life with. I got to tell him every ounce of my experience and he was so happy for me. Most of all I felt relief and clarity. I felt hope. 

I took photographs of the grounds:

Brad and I spent the next day in San Anselmo in coffee shops and little boutiques, admiring creativity and laughing (in a happy way) at how we could never afford anything in them. We ate at Cafe Gratitude in San Rafael. Our earth-crunchy side loves this place. All vegan, all raw. Extremely healthy and good for your body. On the table are questions, important questions, that you can ask each other or contemplate. Ones that we don't ask ourselves enough and that our culture pushes us away from asking. The kinds of questions that people ask themselves before they die, when it's too late to live anymore.

raw lasagna

sushi bowl

enjoying the most delicious bubble tea! (brad took his 1st photo is manual mode) yay!

lucky, lucky. to know and to love each other.

we love you too. 

If you're interested in who Noah is please click this link:

Noah's War | Blog