The Holidays 2013

My favorite Christmas song is by Sara Bareilles. It's called Love Is Christmas:

I don't care if the house is packed, or the strings of light are broken
I don't care if the gifts are wrapped, or there's nothing here to open
Love is not a toy and no paper will conceal it
Love is simply joy that I'm home
I don't care if the carpet's stained, we've got food upon our table
I don't care if it's going to rain, our little room is warm and stable
Love is who we are and no season can contain it
Love would never fall for that.

Let love lead us. Love is Christmas.

Why so scared that you'll mess it up when perfection keeps you haunted
All we need is your best, my love, that's all anyone ever wanted.
Love is how we do. Let no judgment overrule it.
Love, I look to you, and I sing.

Let love lead us. Love is Christmas.

LOVE. It's so important to remember. Everyday, not just at Christmas. But christmas makes me teary sometimes because I get overwhelmed that so many other people remember that love is more important too. Life slows down for the holiday and we pause our busy schedules. I wish for myself that I continue to learn to put less pressure on myself to do, and make more time for just being. Just being is when I feel connected to everything I want to feel connected to, my kids, my husband, myself and my god . I want to continue to let go, which means learning more about and admitting my fears (which I just want to push away and ignore) and practicing not grasping and trying to control them- practicing letting them GO because I know they are painful and they limit my ability to love, not just others, but more importantly myself. And they are just stories I make up in my mind.

My resolution this year is to practice more real compassion. It starts with me, which is what makes it so hard. The Dali Lama said "compassion is the recognition that someone is just like you. You step out of your self-preoccupation and realize that the other person has the same desire to be happy and safe that you have." I've been judgmental in many ways upon many people  in my life, and I see now how my judgments, even if only in my mind and completely kept to myself, are harmful. Somehow when I'm judging I'm withholding love, not just from another person, but from myself too. I deprive both of us only to gain a false sense of feeling safe by putting up a guard. That's what judgment is to me now, armor. I feel my best and fullest around people who are accepting. I want to be one of those people and I think I am to a lot of people. I know I can't like everyone, but I don't want to resent them anymore. I want them to just be and me to just be and there be no more hard feelings in the dark and quiet corners of my mind. That's where the thoughts are made, not the truth, just the thoughts. I couldn't possibly know what is right for someone else, but I trick myself into thinking I do and then I get resentful that they aren't the way I wish they were. So, I'm going to try to do it differently because, as I've learned and heard many times from the magic of recovery, nothing changes if nothing changes.   I will try and begin with gratitude, which gets me focused on what I have, not what I lack, and creates positive thoughts.

The dead of winter in California. The leaves have fallen off the trees, but the sun adds color and color is bright and beautiful, even when it's subtle.

This is the view I have while I wash the dishes after dinner.

This is who I get to snuggle and smell and bathe every night.
His favorite christmas presents were a flashlight, the big bad mouse, trains & dinosaurs. 

This is my mini-me. My emotional, theatrical, feeler girl. 

I took her to see the Nutcracker this year. She acted it out for a half hour outside the theater after the show. 20 minutes into the production she asked me when they were going to start talking. She told Grandma is was kind of boring, but one of her favorite presents from Santa was her very own Nutcracker!

here she is dancing her little heart out.

We had some great, unexpected trips to the beach this December, a trip to the latest Disney film, FROZEN, which Ava fell in love with. Most evenings are spent watching YouTube clips of Queen Elsa singing "Let it Go" and Olaf singing "Summer" (for Nathan). 

We saw Santa (Nathan from a distance), we drove through the Fantasy of Lights, we baked cookies with Grandma, we spent time with Portland cousins and Grandpa Great over Thanksgiving, we spent Christmas eve with wonderful friends who we consider family, and we spent lots of time on FaceTime with Nana, Poppi, Aunties and Uncles & cousin Sarah on the east Coast.