.: June 2012

Today we are married for 6 years.

This day in 2006 was so exciting. There wasn’t a doubt or fear in my heart. I walked down the aisle impatient for my hands to slip into Brad’s. This was right and it proves to continue to be more right year after year. When I brought Nathan in to say hello to Brad as he got out of the shower this morning, Brad said “happy anniversary honey. We leave for the Cayman Islands tomorrow”. I laughed. We are far from the humid lazy beach days of a newly-wed honeymoon, and in the midst of this marathon of child-rearing I think we both long for a newly-wed honeymoon. I know I do! But the two of us agree- we’re more happy together now than we were then. We comfortably love each other more. Were better friends. We’ve settled in to each other. When that happens it’s not all roses and sunsets. Now we know the intricacies of our personalities very well. There are hard times and moments of stress, moments when we wish the other person were different and we’re not looking at each other with love and gratitude, but rather annoyance and frustration. This is just life. This is reality. There is no “happily ever after”. There is no “we don’t have fights”, or “we don’t have hard days”.

But there is recovery, and we always recover. And year after year, because we are devoted to working on ourselves, we get through those days doing less harm to each other and finding compassion in the middle of the storm of frustration that swirls in our chests. We’re learning that it really isn’t about us as a unit, but more about he and I as individuals. It goes against what we know, to put our individuality first before our unit as a couple. I know when I am frustrated it is, disappointingly so, always about me, and my perspective. I’ve spent years trying to point the finger at him and make him the reason because I don’t want to look inside of me where it hurts, or where my pride has to take a back seat to my humility. That’s a tough practice, but each time we do it, it gets easier to do next time.

All this learning and all this growing--with pains, and through pains, great triumph.

There is no one I was meant to do this marriage thing with more than Brad.

I knew that we wanted the same thing. We talked about it the first time we ever had dinner together, technically not even dating yet (though we held pinky’s that night on the couch, so maybe we were dating). We wanted to grow to be people we loved and believed in, who accepted life on life’s terms and stopped reacting to it. We wanted to have maturity, faith in the power of the universe, devotion, and stability. We didn’t use those words when we spoke, and we didn’t have much of those things when our relationship began, but we’re gaining it now and that makes life happier and easier, and it makes us more in love. The real kind of love,or at least the kind of love that works for us. There probably isn’t any “real” kind of love. Any kind of love has a purpose for good.

It’s wonderful to remember this day 6 years ago. It’s wonderful to feel full of gratitude for it and for Brad, even amidst the 5-month stretch of sleep deprivation and constant attention to our children’s needs.

I feel lucky. I wish this feeling for our children someday, but ever better!

For Nathan.

Nathan’s Birth.

January 11, 2012

What an amazing experience- one of the best of my life. Never have I felt so exhilarated and naturally high than I did the night you were born and the following week after. I had spent the months leading up to your birth mentally and physically preparing for an unknown. I had no idea how it would go, but I had hopes. I hoped I could connect with my physical body through dedicated practice of yoga, Pilates and birth meditations to open it up and strengthen it enough to labor with no drugs. A drug free labor and delivery was my dream my vision, but I dabbled in my insecurity every day that maybe I wouldn’t be able to do it. I was trying to prepare for that moment when I felt that I couldn’t do it and I would ask for drugs. I’d remind myself daily that what was most important is a healthy baby, safe delivery, so no matter how I got to that point it would be ok.

Much to my surprise you came in 3 hours and I did it. Drug free.

7:30pm: I had just taken my last bite of butternut squash risotto, Ava was on the toilet downstairs and called to me “I’m all done!”. I stood up to go into the bathroom to assist her in wiping and I felt a gentle pop. Before I reached the bathroom my pants flooded with warm water. It felt fabulous, as if my body said “ahhh”. Then I realized what that meant. My water broke! Ava had been so whiny at dinner (little did I know at that point she was coming down with pneumonia). It took all my patience to maintain my cool with her irrational requests and complaints. So I told her. “Ava, look at my pants!! My water broke! Baby Brother is coming out soon, so I need you to be a really good girl for mommy because soon mommy’s belly is going to start to hurt.” She heard me loud and clear. It was amazing. As if she could sense, this is serious need for good behavior. She said “ok mommy” and skipped off to play in the living room as I dialed the emergency line at Brad’s office. The receptionist on the line responded to my “hi. I need to talk to Brad Koch. I am his wife and my water broke. I am in labor” with “oh, he’ll be available in about 20 minutes. He’s teaching a class right now.” To which I responded, “NO! I am in labor! My name is Cassie. I am his wife. Please get him now! I need him to come home!” The message was clear at the point and he called me within minutes. I could hear him running through the halls of the clinic reassuring me he’d be home in 15 minutes. I knew he was coming soon and he was my partner in this. I wasn't going to do this alone. I love Brad for many reasons, a big one being his calm, collected love and devotion. It just oozes reassurance. I called Julie, our Doula. She had just gotten home (she lives in Santa Cruz) from a birth at Kaiser Santa Clara (where I would be delivering). She promised she’d jump in the shower and head back over the hill immediately (come to find out later that when Brad called to check in on her ETA she hadn't left yet). At this point I was wondering why I hadn’t had any contractions yet? Still in the bathroom downstairs, I striped off my pants, which felt like they were drenched in wet paper mache. I called Jill, my sponsor and wonderful friend. She was in the car with a friend heading to Los Gatos for a meeting. She sounded calm and said “call me when you think I need to come”. I had my first contraction with her on the phone. I couldn’t speak through it. I came up to my bedroom. I called Beth. At this point I was uncomfortable even talking on the phone. I just wanted to stay calm in one spot and go inside of myself and breathe. “Beth, come over now please, I need you to stay with Ava until Brad’s parents get here”. She replied by telling me she has the stomach flu. Oh no! She sent her husband Eric over, who turned out to be such a great play date for Ava :) I did everything in my power not to worry if Eric would pass on a stomach flu to Ava. contractions helped keep my mind off it ;)

Next thing I knew I was on the master bathroom floor upstairs. I remember Ava dancing around looking at herself in the mirror, singing and occasionally asking, “why are you having con-trac-shuns mommy?” It would take all my effort to say, “because your brother is coming soon, honey” After I’d say that I’d wonder frantically when Brad would get here. He finally arrived home (it took him less than normal time because he was speeding, but I was it the throws of transition so it felt like longer to me), he ran upstairs and found I was glued to the cool tile on the bathroom floor on all fours and I wouldn’t move. It wasn’t just that the tile was cool that kept me there; it was that I was in so much pain and I knew I needed to concentrate. My contractions were coming every 2 minutes so I was scared to move for fear that I couldn’t manage the pain if I wasn’t on the solid ground.

Brad realized this was all happening really fast and told me to get off the floor and that we needed to get in the car. “no” I said. "I’m waiting here for Julie". Brad threatened me with calling an ambulance and I told him he was being dramatic. He has a history of airing on the side of caution well before I do, but in this case he was right (sorry Brad). He insisted that I get some underwear on. “no!, I said.” He brought me lots of choices--inappropriate choices because he was so panicked. That part makes me laugh out loud! Oh Brad. We went with pj pants instead and skipped the underwear after a valiant effort on his part, dealing with a stubborn lady in labor. He must have called Jill because the next thing I remember she was there. I was so relived to see her standing in the bathroom doorway. She came in, put her arms around me and she said the serenity prayer with me. " God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." She pointed out clearly what I can change--my approach and attitude, my perspective, and what we can't--the pain and length of time it will take. She was the wisdom and I heard it and believed in it my heart. It gave me more strength. Then she put on her tough voice and demanded I get up. Because it is Jill and she is my sponsor and I've learned by example to at least try what's suggested, I begrudgingly agreed to get up. At that point Brad made some cute remark thanking God that Jill was able to come or we would have had you on the bathroom floor. She supported my weight down the stairs and into the car. I remember saying goodbye to Ava with my eyes closed and wondering how she was. I was afraid to leave her with Eric for fear that she’d be afraid. Before we left they were playing Elefun and laughing.

I remember my bare feet walking over the freezing cold patio bricks to get to the car in the garage--our old, worn-in, loved, and filled with memories, 1998 Honda civic. Jill sat in the back seat, I in the front passenger turned to her, hugging the back of my seat and gripping her leg, most likely bruising it, as Brad drove up 17 at 90 miles an hour to Kaiser Santa Clara. It was awful to be in the car, going over bumps and contracting. I had my eyes closed, but because I’ve done that drive so many times I was coping by imagining where we were, which roads, which stop lights, anticipating how much longer until we would get there. The best part of our drive was the 180 degree turn we did to get on 280 north. My hip fell into Brad’s arm and he pushed back against it. He did that so I wouldn't fall over on him and debilitate his race car driving ability. Ahh, the pressure was so relieving! I was squeezing Jill’s leg with each contraction and she reminded me to go to my happy place. Those amazing 5 words brought me right to balston beach in Truro. I was there alone, the sun was warming my back and I was so calm and safe listening to the ocean. I was using what I had practiced. I was in the moments of overwhelming pain and coping through them. I didn't know it then. I didn't know I was in transition. I had an epidural with Ava, so really, what I didn't know kept me going. I thought this is what it's like and was prepared for the pain to get worse. Perspective--a little trick was played in my brain and it's how I delivered you with no drugs.

We arrived at the ER! I heard Jill say she would go park the car and upon hearing that I insisted that she stay with me and Brad park. Poor Brad, but he did it. I heard Jill talking to Julie. Julie was wondering why she had gotten to the hospital before us and Jill laughed and said “She wouldn't get up off the bathroom floor!”

They brought me a wheelchair. No one could figure out how to unlock its wheels and someone suggested I walk to the elevator. My brain screamed NO, I'm not walking! So I opened my eyes in desperation and I figured out how to unlock the wheelchair. Phew! We rolled up to labor and delivery. Again, it seemed like there were bumps everywhere. They brought me right in. I blew past admission. My eyes were still closed. I heard the nurses, their voices so upbeat and playful, and I thought to myself. THIS IS SERIOUS! NO LAUGHING! NO SMALL TALK! GET MY IN A LABOR ROOM! NOW!

Once I was in the room they checked me and I was there. 10 centimeters, ready to push. We tried different positions. I was still so stubborn about changing positions, but it was necessary. I used a birthing stool for some help from gravity. I remember pushing and the burn. Jill was holding my leg and pushing on my hip. It was as if she could read my body. She knew exactly what to do and when. She was truly gift from up above. The burning (and the nurse) told me you were right there and I needed to get back on the table immediately to deliver. It was cold and wet on the table from all the fluid coming out of me. I got on, my face squinting from the cold sheets, and laid on my left side, Brad held up my right leg. I pushed whenever I was told as hard as I could and you came out at 10:20pm. you were immediately placed on my chest. Bloody, pinky/purple, glistening from all the amniotic fluid, eyes closed and a pause. I heard Jill say, "come on, give us a cry". A pang of fear flew through my heart and then you let it out. A big, loud cry. My body relaxed and I congratulated you for your hard work.

My beautiful boy! We did it!

I had only a stage 2 tear. Daddy cut the umbilical cord and we all took turns holding you. I nursed you. I couldn’t stop smiling. I knew this was one of those insanely wonderful moments in my life. I was high for weeks! Really! The sleep deprivation was the only thing that slowed me down after that.

It was amazing, Nathan.
8 lb.s 8.3 ounces and 20.5 inches long at birth. You are amazing!

Thank you, God, Brad, Jill, Julie and Dr. Stark for such a fantastic experience. I am beyond grateful.
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using the birthing stool

(I spared the gory photos of his actual birth for the sake of the Internet and your eyes) :)

Brad cutting the cord

getting sewn up and having more contractions.

Just when you think it's over! HA!

I hardly slept a wink that night. I was filled with adrenaline and so happy.

Nathan and Brad had no trouble snoozing away.

I couldn't wait until morning!

I wanted to shout from the rooftops! My boy is here!!

When morning came I opened my eyes to the light streaming in through our hospital window and got up to get my camera. My first photos of my boy. I was in awe of his sweet angel face and his calming energy. I was in love with him already.
Over the course of our stay we would hear other newborn babies wailing through the walls. Brad and I would look at each other and remember that being our expereince with Ava. We weren't having it with Nathan and we both, too scared to think we may not, said "maybe it'll come later". We sent love to those familes in our hearts and we realized today that we are blessed with a really easy going little guy.

Many people that have met him say he seems like an old soul.
Brad thinks he's been here before.
I hope I was his mom then too.

The next day at 11am Grandma and Grandpa brought the center our our universe to visit.

That look on her face, of curiosity and fear...she was so shy and cautious.
I wondered what she was thinking and feeling.
I hated being away from her knowing she was sick.
I was so happy to see her.
She wore her snow white dress and her cupcake bow becasue this was a special occasion.

everyone suggested I not hold her for fear of her being contagious, but there was no way.

I let her climb in my bed and I held her tight in hopes of reassuring her a little.

I knew her world was changing and it was all so hard to understand. My heart ached a little for her.

I sent Brad home that night to put her to bed. She had cried hysterically when Brad walked her out with his parents and didn't want to let go of him.

It alleviated my angst to know he was there that night, taking her temperature, giving her Tylenol, singing her songs, and he waited to return to the hospital until he knew she was asleep.

My mom flew in that night and Brad's dad brought her to see us!

It was a treat for her to get a late-night peek before we brought him home the next day.