You know that expression that goes something like "your mind is like a bad neighborhood, don't venture into it alone"? In the last two weeks I was lost in my mind, and it was dark in there. I couldn't see what I continually long for...the light. And no matter how much I begged God to help me out I still felt stuck and alone, sad and angry. I wanted to blame it on all the things that are hard in my life, like my sweet, loving 2 year old who turns as crazy as I feel in an instant, or my husband who didn't take out the trash and recycling that morning, . and oh, whoa is me! Do I have to do everything around here?!
I was in a bad place, even with 4 years in program. Maybe that made it even harder, knowing that I know how it feels to NOT be in this place. Why was I back and hurting like I used to before I ever had any awareness?
One night I got so fed up with myself I just laid in bed next to a husband who didn't know how to connect to me other than to lovingly lay by me and read his books and pat my head once in a while. I dusted off my journal and held nothing back. I wrote it all. Every feeling and thought and every once in a while I would write something that surprised me, like "I just don't believe God will love me if I'm not perfect". Wow. I saw that and thought about all the beautiful women in my life and how beautifully imperfect they are. I thought about how I love that about them, how I feel safe around them because they aren't perfect, and then sad, that I would put all that pressure on myself to be perfect (as if there even is such a thing), and be so un-accepting of who I am --who God made me. It's like I'm rejecting God. Telling It that It made a mistake with me. Of course I called Jill and let it out. She reminded me of how much I have grown and that "it's progress not perfection". That was the topic of the meeting that night and you know what that is, working in my life, sending me a life line? God.
Little did I yet know what my weekend had in store. Another gift from God to help me heal and see the light again. Brad had planned this weekend for us long before my internal 2 weeks of struggle began. It was merely planned around he wanting me to see a place that means a lot to him. Of course I would want to see that. I didn't realize there was something so big in it for me.
A day-long retreat with Howard Cohen. I wanted to embrace him at the end of the day. My first dharma talk, my first teacher. There were 80 people there and I felt like he knew the nuances of my thoughts and was speaking directly to me. How could he touch on all the things I had been struggling with? Then it dawned on me....I'm not alone. People were roaring in laughter at points when he spoke and in tears at others because they could relate too. They knew those feelings of judgement, control, fear, desire, disconnection with self, and feeling less than some and better than others. All summed up: pain. I was trying to push my pain away, but he taught me how to feel it, really feel it, and then detach from it. My mind works well. Just the way it is supposed to. I learned that I have so many parts of my mind and they are natural to have, so I can stop judging myself for judging. I can start to accept all the parts of me and focus more on the ones that make me feel good. That's why they practice meditation there. It's an attempt to feel the moment we are in. The present moment. It's quiet, peaceful, not dramatic, safe, serene and that, in my opinion is where God lives and I can feel It most authentically.
So I meditated, I know, ME! If you knew me and my energy level as a kid, you may laugh.
It was really hard. It wasn't quiet in my mind in the beginning of the day. All my thoughts swarming. With Howard Cohen's guidance and example of how to be gentle with myself I could hear my thoughts and use them as a learning opportunity to get to know myself. So this is what I've been thinking? So this is how fast my thoughts come and go? So this is how often I think this same thought in a different form?! The thoughts are so fast, and then I was left with a perceived feeling that I thought was real. Well, turns out feelings aren't facts and I don't tell myself the truth very often. I don't even really know myself (or other people for that matter) the way God knows me because I'm so focused on the parts of me that I've been trying to change.
Deep breath. this is a lot. to write and to have felt, and probably to read.
By the last meditation I felt love. I felt serenity and so connected to God. I missed Ava, but not guilty that I left her, and I felt an unbelievable sense of gratitude to be experiencing all of this sitting next to the man I share my life with. I got to tell him every ounce of my experience and he was so happy for me. Most of all I felt relief and clarity. I felt hope.
I took photographs of the grounds:
Brad and I spent the next day in San Anselmo in coffee shops and little boutiques, admiring creativity and laughing (in a happy way) at how we could never afford anything in them. We ate at Cafe Gratitude in San Rafael. Our earth-crunchy side loves this place. All vegan, all raw. Extremely healthy and good for your body. On the table are questions, important questions, that you can ask each other or contemplate. Ones that we don't ask ourselves enough and that our culture pushes us away from asking. The kinds of questions that people ask themselves before they die, when it's too late to live anymore.
raw lasagna
sushi bowl
enjoying the most delicious bubble tea! (brad took his 1st photo is manual mode) yay!
lucky, lucky. to know and to love each other.
we love you too.
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