Gifts

After I wrote that blog post about Grandma's funeral I had my evening cup of tea with Brad. 

Look what I found in my tea.

  Ok, I get it. I will absorb this so I can learn to love myself even better than I already have. Message received. And I'm totally grateful. 

Why is it so hard to focus on my gifts? I'm so ready to fix what feels broken in me, or focus on the things I don't have, but I neglect to look at the gifts I have. Clearly it's time to aim my focus in a different direction for a while. My gifts. 

I'd like to thank Grandpa Ayers for being the first to point out that I have a gift as a photographer. I would not have put myself out there without that very first comment he made to me... And to everyone after him that see it as a gift too, and boost me up when I can't do it for myself.

And the love and light in my life, Ava. She is the truest reflection of how I'm doing. My little mirror. Her tapes are recording, as Brad says, so if that isn't the best motivation to teach her the things I want to believe whole-heartedly , I don't know what is. This curious little being is soaking up tools and coping mechanisms on how to handle life. Another gift I have: being willing to look deeply into myself and change, if I need to. And everyday, trying harder than the last to be the mom I want her to have.

And she's worth that struggle that it sometimes is.

Looking into those eyes pulls me forward and up. 

Gift.

there are so many more gifts. I'm gonna go write them down.

*photos taken on a sunny 70 degree January day in Santa Cruz with my mom and dad. 

remembering Grandma Helen Koch

 A long drive into Modesto yesterday. We drove from fog into sun, watching the fog lift from the sides of the rolling hills, and then back into the dense, cold fog. Brad looked over at me as we walked into the church and said "are you sad?". I smiled at him and said "not yet", but wondered if he was.
I felt my insides sink when I was told that she passed, like a little piece of my spirit was bruised, but I also felt peace and concern for Brad and Grandma's children in the days to come as we waited to hear when the services would be. It didn't really hit me hard until I walked into the church, hugged Uncle Butch, and opened my eyes over his shoulder to see her lying in her casket, as beautiful as ever, in her finest clothes and jewelry. I then became flooded with sadness and emotion and tears. It was hard to see her there, and hard to see the people I love cry, or try not to. She looked like she always did, except for her lips. When I saw her lips I knew she wasn't there. It's a strange and uncomfortable experience to see her body lay still, so still that when I looked hard it looked like she was breathing, and know that the essence of who she is is no longer part of the body she lived in. It strongly emphasizes how much more important our souls and hearts are. It strongly makes clear how our physical-ness is only temporary. Funny, to see and feel that message so clearly, because I've been struggling lately with our culture's strong emphasis on what we have "physically", and the material things (the things we can't take with us) that we are encouraged to believe actually matter, and define who we are. NOT. Not true. I was reminded of that when I saw Grandma. I got the chance to know what a loving soul she is. That love doesn't go away when she dies. It lives in us, through us and it's my personal belief that it lives on in the flow of the universe. I also realized that death is important. I think it's something I fear and so I haven't let myself really feel the scary feelings and questions I have about it, probably because there is so much unknown that remains unknown until it happens to you. It's as important a part of life as birth, so I chose to tell Ava that Grandma died and what that means (in 2 year old language, of course). After all, it's an opportunity to show her that it's nothing to fear and teach her a little about my personal belief of God, or a Higher Power.
It was a beautiful service. Many memories of Grandma, and comforting thoughts from everyone who spoke. I loved that the minister approached me and Betty before the service to tell us that Ava & Caroline could do nothing wrong during the service, and to let them be as they would be, for we are family and that is real. So Ava listened a little, cuddled us, and crunched her soy crisps, asked us if she could go home a lot, and told me she has to go potty 2 minutes before the end of the service. I'm so glad I didn't feel shame about that. I know Grandma would have been okay with that, at least that's how I knew her. It touched me deeply that this picture was printed in 8x10 and framed for all to see. The oldest and youngest in our family. I'm so glad Grandma got to meet Ava, see how much she looks like Brad, and once more admire the hands of a child. She always talked about how much she loves their little hands.

As we gathered around her grave site (she had already been tucked into the earth) many spoke of memories they had of Grandma. Brad and I stood next to each other, I held Ava, and then we felt the sun on our backs. The sun broke through the fog for less than a minute and warmed our backs. Brad and I looked at each other. On the car ride home we talked about how we both felt that was Grandma saying good bye to us too. Things like that don't just happen. And how fitting that Helen means "light". I've never been so proud to have that as my middle name :)

We felt you Grandma and we'll miss you.

101 years and 4 days old.

January 20, 1910 - January 24, 2011

some photos of January.

The day after Christmas...Hailey Came!...which meant....

More Presents!!

I love this look on Ava's face. Happy for her sister to get to open presents, but wishing she had more to open too. Well, thank goodness to Caroline, noticing this, and reminding Ava that she never opened her stocking from Grandma & Grandpa yesterday!!

Thank you beautiful Caroline (with that same look on her face)

And there she is, wondering how she can get it down. Mommy, of course!

and thank goodness for Grandma who knew it would be hard for the girls to have nothing to open while Hailey opened present after present, and saved one more gift for each for them. Grandma knows.

It's WOODY! And he really talks! Again, I love the look on her face, taking in this doll, wondering perhaps in her imagination how real he is, if he's the same as on the movie? I love my little girl's sensitivity and imagination b/c I can connect to it so well.

 Grandpa Great gave the girls some things too. Slippers for Ava, 2 watches for Hailey (cause he didn't know which she would like best). Of course when Ava saw that Hailey got a watch she wanted one too and Hailey shared, the best big sis that she is.

 ps. doesn't Grandpa look great!?

 Little hands, big hands.

 It was so nice to watch Grandpa catching up with his girls. I know he misses them. I noticed just how much he just sits and watches them. The love in his heart is immeasurable. We are so lucky to have him, and boy does he spoil us! 

At last, presents done. Time to play and spend time together.

 Uncle Geoff & Caroline reading

 watching videos with Gramps.

everyone headed up to the snow in Arnold/AC that afternoon, but I headed back to LG with my girls and we spent the next four days with Hailey. Thanks to everyone for such a nice Christmas. 

Christmas Afternoon & Evening in Pleasanton

As you can imagine, Caroline, being 2 years more into Santa & presents than Ava, asked as soon as we walked in the door if she and Ava could open the ENORMOUS pile of presents from Grandma and Grandpa. Poor Caroline had to wait all morning and afternoon! We got right to it! We exchanged gifts with each other first. We gave Caroline The Paper Bag Princess, a wonderful story if you haven't read it. And Caroline, Geoff & Betty gave Ava Blueberries for Sal, another must have! Ava LOVES this story and is already reciting it while I read it to her. "Now, you run along and collect your own berries, Sal. Mommy wants to can her berries for the winter". 

 So the enormous pile of presents for the girls was a DOLLHOUSE with boxes full of furniture for each room! They loved it! 

 Ava has her "I'm shy" look on her face b/c her big 2nd cousins are there playing with her. :)

 There they are. Two awesome guys, Mike (right) & Doug (left). If it weren't for Mike the dollhouse wouldn't be set up in minutes, ready for play! And I found Doug and Ava playing with the dollhouse alone together later that evening. precious moment. Can't believe it missed it. It's in my memory though. 

 Two little ladies were ready for dinner I guess. UncleGeoff pointed out that they were sitting at the table together...waiting. Oh my goodness. 

 Aunt Lynne encouraged us all to do some family pictures while we were all together. I must admit, I really really don't like flash, but for the purpose of loving my family and us all being together, and the rain outside and the late arrival, I popped on my flash and took a few family photos. (It's good practice for me, though I still feel I'm no good at it). So, here is our Beloved Grandpa with his grandsons. I actually really like this one :) Cute boys!! All of them :)

 And here is everyone (minus me and Ava) Ava was DONE. She wouldn't have let me take this picture had she been awake. She needed sleep. Caroline is almost there :)

Mike & Doug on top, Jeff (Lynne's husband!) & Dad, Geoff & Brad, Lynne, Grandpa, Mom, Betty Caroline.

Merry Christmas! 

SANTA CAME!!

Oh my gosh, the joy of being Santa. It's a new experience this year. Though we've done it twice already, this year Ava gets it. Brad and I were practically giddy setting it all up, especially that pink bike that Santa found and made!! Brad said multiple times to me "you can't go downstairs without me." just to be reassured by me saying "we won't honey!". I especially liked this year b/c when Ava woke up on Christmas morning she didn't know it was Christmas, so she didn't wake up at the crack of dawn, and we could spend a little extra time cuddling in bed together. She said to us after a while "tomowo santa is comin'!" Then we knew it was time to go downstairs!! EXCITING!!!!!

She was truly in awe. The biggest presents were the best, she gravitated toward them first, completely missing her unwrapped pink tricycle that she had been asking for for 3 months!! Every time we saw one, every toy store, 2 times telling Santa that's what she wanted, and she just didn't see it. We asked her "Ava, did Santa bring you a bike, like you wanted?" and she flat out said "nope." Brad and I knew in that moment that we were more excited about the bike, and let go of having her see it. We looked at each other knowing she would see it eventually. It was almost like it was expected to be there. When she did see it it was not really that big of a deal. Kind of like 'so this is it?'  It makes me smile, actually. A good reminder to let go of expectations, especially with a 2 year old :)

What I loved about watching her is that, other than the bike, she was genuinely so interested in each gift. 

 This look on her face was over and over "oh, wow!" 

 She spent a few minutes with each little thing playing with it, reading it, exploring it. I know these days won't last. We already felt a little bit of "where's my next present?!" vibe. It's natural, just a little sad when you think of the kids that don't get a xmas like this. 

 Ava was totally spoiled by her aunties and grand parents. I should have known this would happen. :)

 Eventually she found her bike and LOVED the princess bell. "did santa put dis on here, mama?" Yes, he did, Ava. Just for you. He knows how much you like Princesses.

 After presents we had the Green Family traditional Christmas Morning Breakfast. Just because we love it. Even Ava likes Panettone. The Italian in us lives on in lessening percentages, but it's there!! :)

Fresh squeezed OJ. From our very own orange tree! Another little dream come true. When I moved out here I always said to Brad I'd love to have a backyard with a fruit tree. And we have that now!! :)

mmm,  Panettone

 We spent all morning here in Los Gatos, playing with toys in our jammies, listening to mellow Christmas music, talking to Nana, Poppi, Aunite Mina, Sash & boomies on Skype. Talking to Auntie Coley & uncle Dave in Michigan and then, eventually taking naps. That's my kind of Christmas morning. After naps we got dressed and headed up to Pleasaton again. Ava wore her peace necklace that Nana sent her. 

 It was raining, so Ava had fun while we were packing up the car, trying to catch raindrops and inch her way out into the rain, as she heard me, or ignored me, saying "no thank you, Ava" over and over.

she made it out. that smirk tells you so. 'isn't this funny, mom? you said no and I did it anyway?'

 Then she realized she was getting wet. She doesn't like that. So she came back into the garage. Learned her own lesson, which is turn is another lesson for mom :)

ON TO GRANDMA & GRANDPA'S

Come back to see the fun we had there!!