In love in Carmel....

Camera, check! I'm ready to document our first overnight away from Ava. Yes, Brad and I have both left her for the weekend, but never together. In 25 months she's never been a day without one of us!! IT WAS TIME. Brad booked us a room in Carmel. We got there parked the car and never got back in it until it was time to come home :)

It was a beautiful drive down the coast. We got to talk!! Not that we don't talk, but really talk and connect, uninterrupted. There's something about going away together that made us appreciate how important it is to be alone sometimes. It's a way to grow more together as a couple and as friends. And we did.

When we stopped for lunch in Moss Landing I was taken back at the color and textures around us. This green house, aged with fresh salt water air,  against the neutral beach colors was beautiful to me.

And whaddaya know?! My scarf matched perfectly!! click :)!

We ate at all the restaurants that our neighbors recommended. This one was delicious. Crab cake sandwiches. We'll be back with Ava, for sure!

on our way back to the car I noticed a little path and I said, "let's see where it takes us." Brad said "yeah, we have nowhere to be, no time limit." That's exactly what I love about being at any beach. That's how I feel. This beach was beautiful. It was just me and Brad and the fog horn. Can you believe it?! (ok, there were a couple other people there, but no more than 5) :)

I am such a dork, but Brad turned on the camera and caught me running and dancing in the sand. I was SO happy to be there and filled with joy. The beach cleanses my soul and I needed that.

we just hung out there and I played with my camera, trying to learn how to set the right shutter speed. Tricky, but super important for a nice picture.

my love

We stayed at a place called La Playa. I'm not a fan of speaking in superlatives, but really, this place couldn't have been more perfect for this trip.

It was Mediterranean feeling. My favorite.

And simple, but comfortable and clean.

As soon as we dropped off our bag, we headed down to carmel beach. On the walk down I could have taken hundreds of photos of everyone's home, their garages, anything! There is so much character in Carmel. I felt like I didn't see the same thing twice, unless we walked by it twice ;)

The beach is white sand!!! We both commented that it felt like we were in Hawaii. Hawaii, and 1 hour from our house!

and the color of the water was a beautiful turquoise. I really wanted to go in, it was so clear and not too too cold, but it was too chilly outside. Too windy.

Brad's feet. Pretty nice looking for feet, I have to say :)

we laid on the beach together and rested, taking in the sun and salt air. It was warm lying down.

we walked through town. These are the kinds of shops there are in Carmel. Like a fairy tale, the Cottage of Sweets. Super cute! And they had Marzipan!!!!!!!! We bought some, of course!

We ate dinner at Casanova's

beautiful Italian, Spanish feel. Exquisite food. (Thank you Hsiaolei, for recommending it!)

Brad had mussels

We got coffee and desert here.

And walked back to our room to sit by the window and watch the sun set.

We sat there until the first star came out and until we realized it was completely dark in our room. It was a nice way to end the day.

The next day we slept in until 9am! And and headed to the beach after breakfast. We just read and chilled. Listening to the waves. It was really relaxing.

At 2:30 we got some lunch and headed home to see our little princess. Ava stayed with Grandma and Grandpa. She was so excited to see them on Tuesday morning she barely noticed that we left! When we called to check in on her they asked if she wanted to say hi, she said (her favorite word) "no!". We knew that was a really good sign. She was so happy and comfortable with them and we are so grateful to them for taking time out of their week to watch her. The cutest story they told us: When she woke from her nap on Tuesday afternoon she called for me (they were watching her on the monitor), then she shrugged her shoulders, let out a little sigh, and called out "Gamma, Gampa!?" She's so smart and sure knows how to get what she wants and needs. :)

Bye, Carmel! thank you for a wonderful overnight and beautiful weather! And thank you Brad for planning this. You are so sweet and a romantic at heart! xoxo

the truth about 2

I had a friend recently tell me, as I was complaining about the facades some people can put up, "just be glad you're real, Cass. Don't you want to be? wouldn't you rather?" YES. I would rather, my friend. Thank you for liking me for who I really am. So, in honor of realness I will tell you how 2 really is. If I had to condense it I would call it wonderfully HARD! I studied child development intensely for 2 years in college and then I studied emotional development for children and adults for 3 years in grad school. I would really like to say that it's benefitted me as a parent (and the truth is I'm sure it has), but I feel as if, when it comes to Ava, I have no idea what I am doing sometimes. It's almost a disadvantage to know as much as I do because I worry SO much about damaging her.

Anyway, she's an intense child. She's sensitive to her core and that will be a gift as much as a challenge in her life.

Since she has turned 2 the fire has lit up inside her. She is willful to say the least. A Taurus! 

She's demanding and loses her temper easily. When she does she SCREAMS!  You would think a vein is going to pop!

Her little face gets red and she's just lost in her experience. Of course, a moment like that always ends in tears. It's such raw emotion. I've really been struggling her with her this past month. I got some relief only a few days ago when I realized I can detach from it. For both of us, this is about control. I am trying to control her, and when her response it out of control, I feel like it's a reflection of me (which is just not true) and she is trying/learning how to control her environment. And when she fails or gets stuck she is so disappointed and just plain mad. She wants my help, but she doesn't. 

I've learned that shaming her for acting in a way that I don't like just makes it worse. She's acting that way because she already feels bad. I don't need to make her feel worse, but I can be really firm in a loving way. I can say, "I love you and I don't like your yelling. That is not okay in our house." And that's what I say. Time outs have begun!

To give you an example of her intensity: If we approach anyone who looks like mama would talk to, she screams "NO!" "I no wan say hi." If I begin to talk she'll begin to scream "mommy!, mommy!, mommy!" or just melt into madness and tears. I was SO distressed about this until I realized I can teach her that this is not nice or okay. She can choose not to say hi, but I make it clear that Mommy wants to say hi and will. She can melt away if she needs to. 

If you know me as a mom, this is like the opposite of how I spent the 1st two years of her life. I did what I could to stop the crying, so you can imagine the adjustment. 

What I know, not just intellectually anymore, but in my heart, is that she NEEDS limits and it really does make her feel safer if I set them. Like it or not, our society is set up in a certain way with rules and limits and I'm her teacher. I have to teach her them, or she'll learn and it will hurt more because there won't be loving arms to fall into as she dissolves into tears. So, we're on a bit of a new path. I think the difference in doing this with my own child versus the others that I've babysat in the past is that I see so clearly that I am raising a little person who I love like nothing I've experienced. That love added in the mix makes it a confusing process, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing O.K. now. It is tiring though. Some days I feel have been so negative, so much more saying no than yes, or in firmness than fun. Another gift for both of us is learning how to let go of the negative moment as fast as possible. It's useless to teach her about holding grudges. I want her to learn that she can re-start her day at any moment instead. 

I'm glad her language skills are so well developed because she is learning how to say 'please' and 'thank you' and 'no thank you' and 'I'm upset'. 

The biggest challenge of all is that I have to act at the standard that I am expecting from/teaching to her. And when I don't, because I don't always, I then get to teach her about apologizing and forgiveness. I have to let go of my will and say "Im sorry". Because of her innocence it's easier to become humble enough to do it quickly. I ask her if she forgives me too. It's amazing how an acknowledgment of what was done specifically to hurt feelings and an "I love you" softens a heart. 

So, now that I have recorded the terrible's of the 2's, at least what I've experienced thus far, I can get on to some of the wonderfulness. (I can't not record the tough stuff. It wouldn't be fair to Ava when she has children. I realize our brains 'forget' for good reason, but for a while I was feeling like something was wrong with her and that's just not the case.) 

The wonderfulness is watching her make connections and form complete sentences. One of my favorite parts of a day is one of the many times she'll call out "wook Mama!!" She'll show me something she thinks is great, or something she's discovered how to master herself. 

She can be very sweet and loving. Like a polar opposite of what I was describing before. She has a maternal side already she shows with her babies and Kekoa.  

and a love and fearlessness around animals

She's begun to laugh with "gusto", as my mom used to say I did. 

A total goof ball at times! The things I find her doing, or wearing!! 

And she's still such an observer. A curious little one.

As much as I've said I am her teacher, she is mine too. I've learned so much about myself through her and who I want to be.

a new found love

I've found something that fills me up inside and I've been devoting every baby free moment to it. Photography. The fantasy of it is much more romantic than the reality of it. It's tough and I have a lot to learn. I've been fortunate to have found a wonderful, enthusiastic professional to mentor me through this process. I met with her today and she gave it to me straight. It was hard to hear some of the stuff she said, but I know it's going to help me grow. I've been scared to tell anyone that this is a new pursuit of mine, but that was mostly because I was scared to fail. Thanks to the lights in my life I can see now that it would be okay if I did. It's a gift to offer yourself the opportunity to try and do something that you love. What gave me the final push was my mom coming to visit and bringing me an old poster I made in 2nd grade:

a long lost desire. found.

So, while I've been learning how to use my camera manually and doing practice shoots with friends and family (which is A LOT in a little sentence), Ava has been growing and changing and I promise I will update you with that too. But for now I will share with you what I've done with: 

Hailey 

In Color

bath time!

Sunday afternoon we got to watch Kekoa again while auntie was training. It was a mellow afternoon with our mellow little buddy. We took a bike ride into town and let Ava run around. Kekoa, Brad and I watched her run and hop and laughed at her (lovingly) as she pretended she was Snow White running away, into the forest to hide from the wicked queen. "go! run! hide!" She impressed me with how grown up she was. She didn't show a lot of jealousy, which she usually does, and she was super gentle with Kekoa. I was proud of her. I could tell that she really loves him, even though most days she resists him :(
My favorite part of the day was putting them in the bath together. Kekoa was in awe of this goofy girl next to him...

Look at that sweet boy's face!....CUTE.

Ava still thinks it's funny to "eat wa-wa", but mommy still says "no, thank you" Daddy came up with a new idea: "let's give her a cup of fresh water and tell her she can drink that!" (Daddy is convinced she is really thirsty. mommy knows she's not. She's just testing us.)

Ava has water coming out of her mouth and nose as she laughs it up! She thinks it's SO funny :)

(Kekoa is like, 'what is she doing?!'

Oh my goodness, mama! what happened?! It's in my nose!!

Ava let Kekoa play with all her princesses in the bath. He likes Cinderella (sorry, Hsiaolei & Scott). :)

He didn't even mind when I wrapped him up in a pink bunny towel!

once they were all cozy in their jammies they shared Ava's new chair.

Ava wanted Kekoa to sit on her lap, but he was pretty much done for the day. He wanted his blankies and some cuddles. He didn't cry for long, I promise, I just thought this picture was funny. Look at Ava's face. What is she thinking?

We like watching Kekoa. He is so warm and cuddly. He was happy to see his Mama, but reached out for me to give me a kiss before I left!! I almost couldn't believe it. Who knew that a baby could be so loving? Because they can't talk we think they don't feel those kinds of things, but they do.

such a HAPPY mother's day!

Can you believe it was my 3rd mother's day?! Every year I feel more and more like a real mother! :) This year I felt like I was more deserving of the day, like I had put in the work :) But, to be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about this day.  As we drove through town on our way to the Farmer's Market on Sunday morning every person I saw was dressed up, holding flowers, gift bags, or waiting to eat at a nice restaurant....and while this is all nice, I couldn't help but think about the pressure these kinds of holidays can put on people. I felt grateful for our little family because for one: Brad tells me so often what a wonderful mother he thinks I am and thanks me for all the things I do to raise a healthy Ava and keep a comfy home, and two: he knew there was no pressure to do anything out of the ordinary, and Ava doesn't get it yet, so she doesn't feel the pressure. Phew! I guess what I'm getting at is that I feel appreciated when Brad, Hailey, or Ava looks at me a certain way, like 'thank you', or 'I love you'. That's really enough. Each time that happens, it's mother's day here. And that's a lot, so I'm one lucky Mama.

holding Ava right when she wakes up from her nap is one of my favorite things about being a mommy

smelling her sweet skin, another favorite.

snuggles and smiles.

We had a nice day, just hanging out together. For mother's day my ideal day is to hang with the kiddo that made me a mother and the man who played a part in making the kiddo :)

We got fresh samosa's and strawberries at the farmer's market. gave hugs and love to Hsiaolei who makes being a mommy easier because she is one too and we get to share the wonderfulness and the challenges, and went for a long bike ride.  nice day, huh? It happens most weekends and that's the nicest part. Thank you, B for letting me live my dream. I love you.

A slideshow for the mother's I love on Mother's Day

My birthday present for Ava...

...Just a small slideshow to capture Ava at 24 months doing the things she loves to do, run and explore any and everything! I've been practicing using my camera in manual and I've been able to capture many sweet moments. It's not nearly the quality my Mac shows me, but you can get the idea...enjoy! And thanks for loving Ava like we do. It makes her into this beautiful little angel :)

ps. turn up the volume on your computer! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--32954y36g